My anxiety and I

My anxiety and I
*
My anxiety and I
Don't speak no more
And I'm starting to wonder
if that's a good thing
She was my first, 
I was a virgin

I've made my bed 
now I want to sleep at yours, 
I know you cried for my lost soul
You cried at my new found loneliness
I couldn't even tell you I love you
She told me no one would love me

My anxiety and I don't speak no more
Thinking back I wanted to tell you I love you but she wouldn't let me come anywhere near you and I'm so sorry, I was fighting an inside battle and the fear of losing myself was too high

My anxiety and I don't speak no more
Back then my fear of you was like a fear of dying, I'd sweat a million times close to you and I wouldn't even say hello, I wanted to but she wouldn't let me and I'm sure you wondered why I'd always change direction in your face

My anxiety and I don't speak no more
We've been together for so long I'm afraid to be alone now, the dark void is quiet
Sweating in my sleep is gone, my head is so clear I could hear a penny drops
And I'm starting to say hello to people

People are no more monsters she once told me they were, my gosh I believed her, she was my first and knowing zilch I fell, I can't even count the times I've told you I love you, I want you, in my head

My anxiety and I don't speak no more
In our love hate bubble, she used to tell me how cruel you are in your bikini waxed body it's bad luck to even look at your half nakedness, I believed her

My mistake was believing that you couldn't love me with all my load, would you have loved a threesome?
She was part of me building so high a mountain of insecurities inside me I had to be drunk to even talk to my neighbor

An old ugly black woman staying alone ambling her way to my door I'd close it on her face, she was a witch in my eyes
For our love hate bubble we preferred a dark quiet place, and my insecurities would play havoc inside my sweating brain

My anxiety and I don't speak no more
Now I can reminisce and laugh at how stupid I was running away from real love
But now I'm still afraid of the dark, I'm starting to speaking to myself, can that be her roughly softening me to a love back?!

Like a hurricane the anger inside was following the winds of hate at the world, building up into a volcano of lost hope 
I couldn't win, all brawls were inside me

Was fighting an inner invisible enemy more stronger, like crying in the deep my pain was a whisper, tell me you love me again before I start wondering if I did the right thing breaking up with her
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© Lungi Shigo Msusa