Confessions of a Moment Worshipper
I am a moment worshipper
Call me crazy
But this is what I have taken on
As my spiritual sustenance
In this incredible
Existence
I’m going to worship each moment
Every one
For as long as I can
To worship is
To attend to
To pay my attention
To give
All of myself
What little I have
If anything
To this moment
Why?
I don’t know
But why wouldn’t I?
What else could make more sense to pay your attention to
If it has value
Something that can be paid for
Then I want to get
The most bang
For each mental buck
That I possibly can
So what else would I attend to other than EVERYTHING?
Why, oh why, would my attention need to narrow, narrow-minded and self-blinded, reminded of my mindlessness and blindsided by my vileness I hide inside my vile nest so you won’t see my miles of missteps.
A child, covering my eyes because
If I can’t see you you can’t see me
But that’s not the way it works.
So why, why oh why, do I blind my mind? Why do I EVER pay attention to anything other than EVERYTHING?
The only reason
I would ever
Limit my attention away
From all
From everything
Would be if I was afraid.
Afraid of what I might find
The truths about myself and my reality
Truths I’d rather not see
Then I would blind my own mind
Create division
Cloud my vision
Separate myself from Everything
Safe inside my suffering
So I could keep my secret
Whatever it is. I don’t even know. I hid it from myself, obviously.
As if I could selectively hide the side of myself I don’t want to see
Without divorcing from reality
If I can’t forgive that part of me
That part that I
Don’t want to be
I will never
Ever
Be free
When I obsess
I am possessed
Always being processed
Thoughtlessly overthought
The opposite of free
Cut off at the knees
My attention flees
Thoughts like flitting fleas
My other senses freeze
My mind contracts
Compacts
Redacts
Contact lost with reality
Whoops there goes my sanity
The price of my own vanity
Thoughts like flitting fleas
My other senses freeze
My mind contracts
Compacts
Redacts
Contact lost with reality
Whoops there goes my sanity
The price of my own vanity
I’m now playing hide and seek
With myself
A mindless merry-go-round
Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom
I twirl and whirl and swirl
And I’m about to hurl
Disoriented, hopelessly lost
Stridently thinking I’m found
Facedown on the ground
Unwilling to admit that I fell
Down an easily avoidable well
So I make myself wallow in hell
From unity to look and see
From one to two
Me to you and on from there
Separations, aberrations
As many facets as I need
To hide the faces
I don’t believe
I’ve blinded myself
Forsaken my sight
To the brilliant light
Not out of spite
Nor mindless slight
But from sheer fright
Fear of the night
Fear that I’m not right
And never was
But that’s alright
The past has passed
Lessons learned do not last
They do not taunt you after class
They pass and leave you lighter
Perhaps a tad bit wiser
Able to restfully respire
That is why I am a moment worshipper
It’s no belief or delusion
Not grief nor confusion
It’s a rational conclusion
I finally looked at the equation
The math is truly simple
I am but a dimple
In the fabric of the universe
And on this ride from birth to hearse
I must lift my heavy lids
See the dark that I forbid
Finally, let the light in
Waking up
Is hard to do
But from the top
What a beautiful view