INSIDE BREAKDOWN

I'm still trying to get my wrestling courage down. Let's see! How much more am I worth?! Now on me the ugly Being is sharpening its teeth, its vivid scalpels - how much more can it bear? Now my fear and terror are still strong upon me. With its true pearl-balls, interrogating, trapping, and playfully sending one and all.

A game so holy, so cruel! What is all this for? I am gradually losing my deserved happiness, a rare moment of joy. The sweet smell of celebration slips from the intimate silence that no one could stay by my side. For they've all died, passed on, or just left the stage of Existence.

A sour cheerfulness - not so much -, my winter season with melancholy, infected with depression. In body and soul I have already gathered as much fatal pain as the volcanic Sunbeams, glowing in the sand dunes, threatening to explode. The future's unconsciousness makes him occasionally half-witted, selfish, unhappy to the core.

I've done enough. I've tried what I once thought were abortive options, but to what end? I've been pushed out like a cheap pestilence. Now I know: another endless ordeal, another useless ordeal, another self-reliance. My useless man-wings that once were fluffy and feathery Now fall prematurely, till at last they forget to fly.

The world is full of no-man's tortures, of daredo-parties. What else can I alone do to make my miserable, castaway-like, miserable toil more liveable and more enjoyable?! - Of my cherished dreams, too, I must daily, for prudence' sake, give up one or two.

Who ever loved me, who ever loved me, where now, where have they disappeared behind me? I am bound to this present existence by a viaduct of shackles. I am locked up within myself, like in the majestic Seven Towers, and without my fearful Beloved I can seldom escape!